I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
