Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
