Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
