i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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