hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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