Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
