i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize