Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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