I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
