Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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