just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
