I looked at my own cervix.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
