remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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