you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize