Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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