This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
