I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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