im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize