How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
