So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
