I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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