dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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