I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
