his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
