you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
