Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
