You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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