So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
