She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
