She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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