Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
