someone get that fucking seahorse.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
