Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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