I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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