Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
