I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
