i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
