so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
