2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
