he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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