Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize