I looked at my own cervix.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize