i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't deserve a penis
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
