Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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