my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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