Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
