I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
