Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
