Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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