Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
