What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
