he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
