I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
