So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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