you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
