You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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