I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize