Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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