I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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