my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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